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Getting what you want.
"I like you Madri, guys will like you too," Callista said, and Madri almost laughed, this conversation felt a little bit too much like she was in high school.
"Oh I don't that they don't like me. But I sure as...hell don't like them. Every guy has been a loser," Madri said bitterly and then hiccupped. She hoped Callsita didn't notice, or realize that it meant she was drunk.
"How are you meeting guys?" Callista asked. For a moment, Madri thought that maybe this was not an appropriate conversation to have with her babysitter, but hell she was drunk and her inhibitions were a bit low. It might be nice to talk this stuff out.
"Online mostly," she explained, "I don't really have time to do anything else. With work and the kids..."
"Yeah, that makes sense," Callista said. Callista had started this conversation now Madri felt like maybe the girl had some advice for her or something. Madri consciously knew that was absurd, what could an 18 year old tell her? But in her state, dejected and drunk, she as ready to grasp at anything. Maybe Callista just needed a little more information to get her advisory juices flowing.
"I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am up front about being divorced, about having kids, and everything else. But other than that, I just tell people I want to have fun and get to know them. You'd think I could attract better guys," Madri said, spilling her heart to her babysitter. Callista nodded understandingly but didn't say anything. All of the frustrations that Madri had decided to avoid all these months boiled over. She needed to get this stuff out.
"I mean I am not dressed like a whore," Madri said, surprising herself. She stood up and swept her hands across her body, "But I am not a nun either. I don't think I am throwing off an ice-queen vibe that would scare away good guys do you?" Callista just shook her head, but didn't speak. She had a little smile on her face, like she knew the answer to all of Madri's problems but refused to tell. It was driving Madri insane! Why wouldn't Callista just tell her what was wrong with her so she could fix it. A cute teenage cheerleader obviously knew what guys wanted even if a 40-year old divorcee did not.
"I mean do I have to apologize for being a successful woman? Is that the problem? Do I only get dates from losers because men who are successful don't want competition from their girlfriends? I know that was my ex-husband's problem. But I thought that was just his problem. Not a general man problem." She said, she began pacing in her kitchen now. She looked up at Callista who looked sympathetic, but still did not speak.
"Is it a race thing? Are white men or black men or Asian men afraid that an Indian woman won't suit their needs? I don't make those rules and it isn't fair," Madri said. She felt tears on her cheeks now. Oh god, she was way drunker than she'd thought. And Callista was here. Seeing all of this. She wanted to stop, but her self-pity was too far. She was stuck.
"And you know what Callista," she said and the girl looked up at her. Madri's heart was pounding, her mind knew that she shouldn't say what she was going to say next, but she couldn't stop, "I am not very sexually experienced. I only ever had sex with my husband and I don't want one-night stands. So here I am, long since divorced and trying. But these men don't know that. Can they sense my sexual naivet__? I doubt it. But I feel like they can."
"You've only ever had sex with one person?" Callista said, finally breaking her silence. All Madri could do was nod her head, "And you haven't had sex in a year?"
"Two. That last year, my husband and I... Oh god!" Suddenly Madri realized what she was saying and who she was speaking to. A wave of self-hatred swept over her and she fell down on her knees on the kitchen floor, the tears coming hot and fast now. What was she doing? What did she expect Callista to do? Put her love life in order. This was too embarrassing. She was acting like a drunken asshole and she had to stop.
Just as the self-loathing was reachi