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Of seeing and being seen.
I expected that time would have blunted her ability to completely obliterate my attempts at focusing on anything else other than her. I felt that this must be obvious to anyone who bothered to look, but I barely registered as a blip to the teachers who saw me in the teachers' lounge.
I finished responding to work emails as quickly as I could, and made my way to the pool, wondering if I would be using my swim gear that I'd packed. I walked through the visitors' changing room and onto the pool deck; the smell and sounds of the pool hitting me like an old dream. It felt like home, even though I didn't recognize a single stroke in the water. I used to be able to pick out my teammates doing laps by the idiosyncrasies of their strokes.
Jess was kneeling by lane 7, talking to one of the swimmers, who was listening intently and nodding every now and then.
"Alex Mak?" said a familiar voice.
I looked up and smiled, "Miss Goode! Hi! So lovely to see you again!"
"Call me Cathy," Miss Goode said, pulling me into a warm hug, "Jess told me you are on a business trip from America?"
"Yep, and I thought I'd come kick around my old stomping grounds." I dropped my bag onto a bench and sat down. Cathy sat down next to me.
"You haven't lost your accent yet, Alex. I thought those Yanks would have converted you by now!" Cathy chuckled, "I almost didn't recognise you! You look well, my dear, and that is good for an old teacher to see."
"Thanks -- the hair's dramatically shorter," I admitted, "Mostly because my mum doesn't get a say over how I cut it anymore!"
Cathy nodded, "It suits you very well -- I keep telling my wife I'm going to just chop all this off one day, but I never end up doing it."
My breathing stopped for moment. Did she just say 'wife'? I was stunned, but happy, "I didn't know that you were gay! I mean, wow, that's so cool, I mean, I thought..."
"You thought you were the only one to ever roam the corridors of Halsey?" Cathy put an arm around my shoulder and laughed warmly, "Things have changed quite a lot since you were here Alex. There are half a dozen members of staff who are out, and students, too. There's even a Gay-Straight Alliance group."
"Wow," was all I managed to say.
"I remember being so torn about whether I should talk to you specifically about coming out, but it wasn't clear to me that you knew fully what was going on. First, I wasn't out myself, and second, I didn't want to scare you or overstep... even though it was clear as day to me that you were head over heels for that one over there." Cathy's tone was gentle, but it still made me jump a little with surprise that she had noticed all those years ago.
I shook my head. "I had no idea what I was feeling. It wasn't until I was well into my second year of college when I met my first girlfriend that it sort of all came together. My parents -- typical Asian parents that they are -- are still having a hard time with it. I can't believe it was so obvious. I'm a little embarrassed."
"Don't be. I am probably only one of a few who noticed. The majority of this school was so wilfully blind to LGBT issues back then, you could have kissed Jess full on the lips and people would have blamed it on a particularly strong gust of wind. Ah! I touched a nerve, I see," Cathy laughed again when I felt my face flush with embarrassment. "Don't worry my dear, your secret's safe with me. Here comes Jess now...."
I had been so flustered by my conversation with Cathy that I found myself having to explain the workout to the girls multiple times. Like all adolescents, they homed in on my momentary lapse of focus and began stalling, finding ways to ask tangential questions and lob in requests for clarifying statements. So talented were they in thwarting my efforts that I failed to notice Alex walking onto the pool deck. It was only when I heard Cathy's laugh that I looked up and saw them sitting together. I froze. What were they talking about? Alex looked deep in thought, as Cathy was nattering away. I quickly made my way over.