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Not your typical delivery guy...

I could not face them.

They rang me from time to time and my parents begged me to speak to them, but I couldn't. The thought of looking into their eyes and seeing pain there was too much for me because I knew that I couldn't feel sympathy for them. I wanted to see pain there because no matter how much pain they were feeling it wasn't anything like as much as Marc was... or at least had been.

On the third day I was making a sandwich in the kitchen when there was a knock on the front door. I was alone in the house so I opened it. It was Jill Harmon. I wasn't so far gone that I slammed to door in her face but I turned and walked away from her. She followed me into the kitchen.

"Jamie, I understand how you feel..."

I had promised myself not to say anything but this was too much.

"Understand? How could you possibly understand how I feel? You weren't there. You didn't see him, you didn't hear him scream. He didn't deserve this. He didn't... This didn't have to happen. He didn't have to get hurt like this. Why? Why did you do it to him? You knew what he would be like, how scared he would be, how he wouldn't understand what was going on. Why did you do it? Why did you do this to him?"

"Jamie... You weren't here. You didn't see what he's been like, what's been happening to him. You saw the Marc you used to know, not the one he'd turned into. He's... changed."

I almost spat at her. I have never hated anyone as much as I hated her in that moment. Maybe it wasn't fair, even rational, but I had not been sleeping. I had lain awake for nights worrying about him, remembering him, and mourning him. "He hasn't changed. The only thing that changed was you. You didn't want to be burdened with him any more." I saw her eyes widen with shock but I didn't care. I pushed on. "You didn't need to. I would have taken care of him. I would have mortgaged my soul to look after him.

Once I started I couldn't stop. "I promised to protect him. I promised that I would never let anything or anyone hurt him. I swore that I would always be there for him and you turned me into a liar. I had to hold his hand and let them hurt him. I had to watch him cry and scream and do nothing NOTHING. And it was all because of you. I hate you. I hate both of you."

"I know you think we deserve that, Jamie, and maybe we do. This was never an easy decision for us but in some ways we made it because of what you just said to me."

"What?"

"I know you love him, Jamie." There was something in the way she said it that sent a shiver through me.

"Of course I love him. I have always loved him. I would have done anything for him, anything; and now... I don't understand why you didn't trust me, why you didn't at least let me try. I would have taken care of him; I wouldn't have let anyone hurt him. I have never let anyone hurt him."

"No, you haven't and I have always been grateful for it, for what you have done for him. But you're also in love with him and that's a different story."

I stared at her, my heart thudding painfully in my chest. What should I say? What could I say?

"I... I've never..."

"I know you haven't. I know that you have never been anything more than a wonderful friend to him. I know that you have been careful and honourable and I know it's been tearing you apart. Can you imagine what it would have done to you if you had been living with him?

"I know you, Jamie. I know that you would never have compromised him and that you would have been happy to sacrifice your love and your life for him... but how long could it have lasted? You couldn't have lived like that for long without destroying one or other of you."

"I... I could have... I could..." The strength went out of my legs and I sat down suddenly on a stool.

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I didn't mean to hurt you but I need you to see."

My head snapped up. "But even so. You could have told me. You could have told me you knew. We could have worked something out. There was no need for this."

"Maybe. If it was just you."

"What do you mean?"

"You have eyes, Jamie, a brain in your head.